Wednesday, February 08, 2012

The Official Rules of Drinking Pointless



1.0 These Official Rules are not endorsed by the BBC, Alexander Armstrong¹, Richard Osman or Endemol Productions. Because they aren't cool enough.

1.1 The game is designed for two or more players, who must provide their own alcoholic beverage (henceforth known as 'the drink').

1.3 Participants play along with the original BBC 1 broadcast on weekdays at 17:15. Monday night participation, in preparation for The University Challenge Challenge, is particularly encouraged.

1.2 Participants attempt to answer the questions along with the show. If a participant correctly identifies a Pointless answer, they must consume a preagreed measurement of the drink.

2.1 After contestants on the show have provided a correct answer, there is a countdown to reveal how many of the one hundred people said the same one. Participants must attempt to guess the number of points the answer is worth.

2.1.1 If the guess is within five of the correct result, participants must consume a preagreed measurement of the drink.

2.1.2 If the guess is correct, participants must consume two preagreed measurements of the drink.

3.1 During the head-to-head round, the participant who produces the lower scoring answer, must consume a preagreed measure of the drink.

4.1 During the final, all participants may work together to produce as many Pointless answers as possible. For each Pointless answer, all participants must consume a preagreed measurement of the drink.

5.1 Bonus Drinks: The following events prompts bonus opportunities for all participants to consume a preagreed measurement of the drink.

5.1.1 If Alexander Armstrong cannot provide an answer from the remaining asnwers on the board.

5.1.2 If Richard Osman suggests that the contestants will kick, or otherwise harm, themselves.

5.1.2.1 If Richard Osman says the statement, "
and by country we mean a sovereign state as recognised by the UN."²

5.1.3 If a pair of contestants join the '200 Club', where both contestants in a team provide wrong answers, thereby getting the maximum 100 points.

5.1.3.1 If a pair of contestants join the '0 Club', where both contestants provide Pointless answers, thereby getting the perfect 0.

5.1.4 If a contestant is revealed to be a teacher of some description.

5.1.5 If a contestant provides the same answer as an opponent but suggests the opponent has not pronounced it correctly, just to be a twat.

5.2 If a round results in a tiebreak situation, participants must finish the rest of their drink.³

6.1 Participants must remain aware that this is the Official Rules of Drinking Pointless, and therefore may at no stage be considered 'fun'.

Suicide Rule: Partcipants must consume a measure of the drink EVERY time Alexander Armstrong says the word 'very'. Quantities of alcohol required to play this rule are usually delivered in articulated trucks, which must be provided at the participants' own expense.&sup4;

Update: Following the suggestions from commentors and tweeters, additional rules are to be applied ahead of the series that commences on Monday, 13 February 2012. These are italicised.


¹ Alexander Armstrong retweeted these very rules, so we can take it he endorses them!
² Mike in Comments
³ RoosterJones in Comments
&sup4; @desmarkie on Twitter

Monday, March 07, 2011

The Official Rules of the University Challenge Challenge (Drinking version)

1.1 The University Challenge Challenge (henceforth 'the game') is not endorsed by University Challenge, the BBC, ITV Studios, or any other affiliate of the show.

1.1.1 Probably.

1.2 The game is for two or more players, who must provide their own alcoholic beverage (henceforth known as 'the drink').

1.2.1 There is no upper limit to the amount of players.

1.2.2 There is no lower limit to the amount of players, but playing a drinking game on your own is sad, even for University Challenge viewers.

1.3 Players watch the first broadcast of University Challenge (BBC 2, 8pm Mondays) and attempt to be the first to provide the correct answer to the questions. If a player is successful, they must consume a shot of the drink, and cannot answer subsequent questions until their drink is consumed. They are then awarded a point.

1.3.1 Players are only allowed one attempt to provide an answer.

1.3.2 In the event that two or more players give the correct answer at the same time, they each get to have a shot and a point.

1.4 Total silence is paramount for the music round until an attempted answer is provided. Contravention of this rule is penalised by the player taking a shot and having a point deducted.

1.5 The winner is the player with the most points at the gong.

1.6 Twitter interaction is encouraged, using the hashtag #UniversityChallengeChallenge.

Friday, February 04, 2011

On the whole Top Gear-Mexico thing


I watched the recent offending episode of Top Gear, where the usually entertaining Clarkson and May were joined by Hammond, offered their insights into a new Mexican car, and wondered aloud who would want a Mexican car? Fair question; Mexico doesn't exactly have a proud history of motor manufacturing - so who would shell out money in recessionary times for a Mexican car? I was expecting the follow up comments to be jocular car-related rants about the ineptitude of their cars handling, or something similar. Instead I was treated to five minutes of second hand stereotyping. Second hand in that commentary on the work ethics of Mexicans is entirely derived from America, since Britain does not have a significant Mexican community on which to base such frivilous assertions.
Auntie has defended this by saying that exploiting stereotypes for honour form a large part of British comedy. This is true, and when middle of the road comedians are making jokes at the expense of the French (they're rude!) and Germans (towels on the deck chairs!), it can be passed off as banter, mainly because these countries have long histories with each other. Further evidence could be gleaned from Boris Becker's interview later in the show, where he revelled in the accusations of efficiency. But to simply poach a hackneyed cliche from a different culture and ring every unfunny drop out of it, just for the sake of picking a fight (which it appeared was what they were doing) is just, ironically enough, lazy.
Top Gear has definitively jumped the shark (I would say when they started getting guests like Tom Cruise on it, rather than the usual blend of mid table actors and washed up rock stars, although the unmasking of the Stig debacle probably didn't help) and this is probably another piece of timber for the coffin, but let's hope they can get back on track and make the show we love again. I refer you to the feature where they challenged the Australian Top Gear presenters with Ashes jokes and reckless manoeuvring in oversized vehicles - more of this kind of childishness please!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Official Rules of Drinking Gran Turismo

NB The following may be ported to most driving games.
The Official Rules of Drinking Gran Turismo

1.1 Players must select the same vehicle on any track, provided said track has grass banks or gravel traps.

1.2 Drinks must be able to be consumed through a straw to completion, while Gameplay is taking place. Sellotaption, or sticky-back-plasticisation, of several straws together must occur if necessary.

1.3 During Gameplay, players must drink continuously while they are applying brakes, or are veering off the designated track.

1.4 The game may not be paused for any reason. If a player's drink is depleted, he/she must restock while the game continues. He/she may not accelerate during this period.

1.5 The winner has to be presented with the winner's trophy, which is a shot (ideally in a miniature trophy), concocted by the losing player, of any combination of alcoholic beverages, and edible solids.

The Official Rules of Drinking Scrabble

1.0 Scrabble is a trademark of Hasbro in the United States of America, and Mattel elsewhere. Neither company endorses or encourages the enjoyment of Scrabble as described herein.

1.1 Tiles are distributed to each player as per the rules.

1.2 For every five points a player scores, they must imbibe a finger or equivalent pre-determined unit of alcohol.

1.3 Bonus squares are to be encouraged and carry over to each turn and may be used more than once per game, contrary to the official rules of the game.

1.4 Players may, and should, conspire with each other to obtain the highest score possible in order to increase intoxication, and overall wordplay.

1.5 Disputed words that do not appear in standard dictionaries, but are in common use among players or their peers, or that appear in the Urban Dictionary, are to be encouraged, especially if they yield the highest amount of points in that turn.