Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Official Rules of Drinking Pro Evolution Soccer (or Drinking Pro Evo)

(NB This is for the Playstation version of Pro Evolution Soccer. It should be easy enough to transfer to other versions)

1.1 Matches are decided over two legs, with away goals, and penalty shoot outs if necessary.

1.2 Both players pick a random team by holding the Square button while looking at each other and counting to three, letting go of Square at the same time ON three.

1.3 When two teams are selected, the strips must be selected to be as similar as possible (eg two predominantly white strips, if possible).

1.4 The lineups must be the default selections, and remain so over the two legs, with no substitutions, or tactical adjustments permitted.

2.1 During Gameplay, before the start of each half, at the final whistle, and any stoppage in play, a drink must be consumed. A player may not continue until his/her drink is consumed, and returned to it's resting surface.

2.2 The game cannot be paused for any reason. If a player pauses for any reason, they must immediately consume two fingers of drink (or any other pre-approved unit), while the game continues to be played by their opponent.

2.2.1 If a player's drink is depleted, he/she must restock while the game continues in their absence. Any opportunities to drink that an absent player missed must be honoured with two fingers of drink (or any other pre-approved unit).

2.3 Any time a player concedes a goal, they must consume two fingers of drink (or any other pre-approved unit).

3.1 The winner after two legs has to be presented with the winner's trophy, which is a shot (ideally in a miniature trophy), concocted by the losing player, of any combination of alcoholic beverages, and edible solids.

3.2 The victory must be captured in visual record for historical posterity.

4.1 The match is replayed with different teams, selected at random (holding L1 and Square and counting to three, cf rule 1.2), and continued ad nauseam ad infinitum.